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BonerMonkeyMilk 2015-08-07 20:53:38

Overall you have a solid plot. Every action and reaction flowed well together. However Sasha's dialogue didn't give to much insight on how she acts and thinks. Chris was a good character and felt like a real person. But Sasha didn't seem to have a set personality. She felt more like a device to help Chris see reason instead of a person who helped him by chance. Over all 9/10 if you care about ratings.

NipponDevil 2015-08-07 20:53:38

Thank you for reading.

I must admit, I do struggle with giving point of view characters personality in first person stories. Part of it is that I'm often afraid to give them too much personality and distort the situation they are suppose to be relaying to the reader. Another thing that might have contributed to her coming across as a "device" is because this was originally a response to a friend's story. The moral of his story was that there are consequences for not taking action, and mine is that there will always be consequences. I may have been too caught up on having my moral show through to properly take care of her. Something to ponder for my next first person piece I suppose.

BluMiu 2015-08-10 01:06:58

I think I get what BonerMonkey is saying (lol, that name) about Sasha not really having a personality. I'll go a step further and say she seemed the embodiment or conscious of everything Chris needed to hear. Slipping in details personal to hear about being a student, baked potatoes, boyfriend and wanting to help others mingled with this omniscient voice of reason; then again, maybe psychotherapists sound that way.
The only thing I can suggest is delving more into her character before the interaction with Chris. During it would seem out of place and I doubt she would rant on about herself when he isn't engaged when first meeting her. Just a smidgen more of a persona on her part and the entire piece will be perfect. Not to say you didn't attempt it as you conveyed her unpreparedness when Chris snapped at her (or his situation).

Your writing flows very well and the dialogue is very believable. I also like the logic behind the piece conveyed by both characters. Even in error, Chris had this dream he never gave up on, likely from his youth. He has a strong conviction to help others just like Sasha, and she seems rightly competent with explaining to Chris his simple error.

Very good short piece :)

NipponDevil 2015-08-10 01:06:58

Shrinks typically just ask questions and observe your reactions. They don't act out of emotion in front of their clients because they know that their mood can affect their behavior. A real therapist with years of experience would probably be very good at behaving like an android. of course, a really good therapist might feign anger or depression if they felt it would move them closer to diagnosing their patient. There are some very odd ball shrinks, I heard there's one who strips in front of her male clients...but I don't see Sasha doing that!

I think Sasha's actions are true to a therapist in training, she's able to subdue the self to some degree, but there's still some cheerful girl that shines through. Of course I can understand why some readers would find that bothersome, preferring a story more about it's characters than presenting a baked-in-moral. I won't repeat what I already told BMM, but someone I knew wrote a story that promoted action, using a man distraught over not helping a woman and child from a burning building. I simply wanted to paint an even portrait of his idea.

Thank you for reading, and I'm glad the two of you were able to get some enjoyment out of it, haha.

BluMiu 2015-08-10 14:21:42

I don't think it was bothersome at all. It was more her approach that made her seem a moral device rather than a psychiatrist, which I do remember who keep their human component in check around a patient. They usually pose questions for the patient to think or reveal themselves once considered, which Sasha does to a degree, but more appealing way. Perhaps it is more about not having insight into how observant she is beforehand rather than up to that moment.

I didn't know where it was going at first, but it was a very nice, simple story which came across realistically and carried with believable emotions and thoughts :)

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